dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize