just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Randomize
