thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The uberlube is also flammable
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize