im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
