I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize