i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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