I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
