I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
