ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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