ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
