I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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