So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize