My Higher Power is John Stamos
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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