Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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