I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
