i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
