My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize