sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
