I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
