careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
