my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I didn't notice because vodka
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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