SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
