Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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