u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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