I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
