i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
