I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Say something about gay babies.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I wish you could order shots online.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
