I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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