U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
