I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
