The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
