youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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