There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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