My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
