Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
