Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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