She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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