wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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