Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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