im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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