there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
