The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
