To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Did you pee in the oven last night??
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
