The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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