If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
