no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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