Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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