why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
