Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
