I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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