Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I faked an abortion last night.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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