she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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