my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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