forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
