chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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