when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
