Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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