do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
