It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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