so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize