I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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