Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
