Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize
