dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
ugly people sure do ruin things
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize