we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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