if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
