she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize