Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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