Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
