A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
