I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
